


The KotOR Project

by Wagontrain



Category: Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic
Genre: F/F, Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-04-22
Updated: 2010-01-12
Packaged: 2017-10-05 18:25:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 18,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/44709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wagontrain/pseuds/Wagontrain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Racra Ulwhe confronts the vile Darth Malak and undertakes a journey of self-discovery that will have lasting implications for the entire galaxy...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Endar Spire and Taris

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thatfangirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatfangirl/gifts).



  
**A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...**   


  


  


  


  
**Four thousand years before  
the rise of the Galactic  
Empire, the Republic verges  
on collapse. DARTH MALAK,  
last surviving apprentice of  
the DARK LORD REVAN, has  
unleashed an invincible  
Sith armada upon an  
unsuspecting galaxy.**

**Crushing all resistance,  
Malak's war of conquest  
has left the Jedi Order  
scattered and vulnerable  
as countless Knights fall in  
battle, and many more  
swear allegiance to the new  
Sith Master.**

****

In the skies above the Outer  
Rim world of Taris, a Jedi  
battle fleet engages the  
forces of Darth Malak in a  
desperate effort to halt the  
Sith's galactic domination...

 

  


**Racra Ulwhe wakes in her bunk. Turbolaser fire flashes outside as Sith fighters streak by the viewport. An explosion rocks the ship, and Trask Ulgo runs in.**

Trask Ulgo: You're awake! Good, they're trying to board the ship. Grab your weapons!  
Racra Ulwhe: Who's trying to board the ship? What ship? What the hell have I been drinking? I don't remember a thing.  
The _Endar Spire_, of course! We were transporting Jedi Bastila to the Council, but we were attacked by the Sith.  
Right, got my weapons. Let's go!  
Man, it's amazing the Sith are as powerful as they are! I mean, all they're using is swords.  
Pretty underwhelming against our, y'know, blasters.  
Hey, that Sith has a glowing sword! At least he's trying, right?  
Darth Bandon: GANK.  
ACK!  
RUN!  
Carth Onasi: Hey! You! The escape pods are over here.  
Anything to get away from the guy with the laser sword. Eject!

**The escape pod bursts away from the _Endar Spire_ and falls to Taris. The brutal impact knocks Racra out, but Carth drags her clear. Racra remains unconscious for several days, during which Carth secures a well-furnished apartment for them in Taris Upper City, certainly obtained with entirely legitimate funds. Racra is wracked by visions...**

  


**...before coming to.**

What...hit me?  
The planet. We didn't have a chance to get introduced. I'm Carth, and I brood with unrevealed angst.  
Want to talk about it?  
No.  
You sure?  
*smolders with angst* So, who are you?  
I'm Racra Ulwhe, soldier of the Republic.  
When did you come on board?  
I don't actually remember...anything before I woke up.  
Must have gotten pretty banged up. Anyway, we'd better try to find Bastila. I saw her escape pod launch, so she must be here somewhere. Her battle meditation is necessary if we're going to win the war against the Sith, so we need to find her and get the hell off this planet.  
Looks like Taris is occupied by the Sith. It won't be easy, but let's get the lay of the land.

**Upper Taris City is pretty enough, but has a notable absence of aliens and presence xenophobic citizenry. A quick interrogation of the local populace reveals that another escape pod crashed in the Undercity. To get to that, one has to pass through Lower Taris, which is under lockdown by the Sith.**

How can we possibly find a way past the Sith guards?  
Hive of scum and villainy, here we come!

**The cantina is very cantina-y. Bith band, dancing Twi'lek women, Hutt crime lord, etc. There's even gladiatorial dueling.**

Gladiator fights! That offends my sense of righteousness!  
It's barbaric, but what can you do?  
...well, if they're gladiators, they're probably bad people, right?  
You could argue that.

**A NEW CHALLENGER HAS ENTERED THE RING!**

Easy Gladiator: Excuse me miss, have you seen my—  
GANK!  
Kinda Hard Gladiator: Echuda!  
GANK!  
Huh, you actually don't get dark side points for killing Jawas.  
Hard Gladiator: I'm generically tough!  
GANK!  
Sith Officer: Hi there. I was so impressed by your brutally slaughtering all those NPCs that I'd like to invite you to an awesome Sith party tonight.  
*blush*  
Don't we hate the Sith? I burn with repressed hatred for them!  
Shhhhh.

**Later, at the awesome Sith party...**

Sith Officer: All I'm saying is, the galaxy could use fewer people. We're really just trying to help out.  
Quite, quite! And after we've killed off all the extra people, I say we round up "fun" and kill that too.  
You know who hated fun? Darth Revan.  
I soil myself at the very name.  
Just out of curiosity, what proof is this alcohol?  
Er...three, maybe four hundred?  
*passes out*  
*passes out*  
Well, I guess we've got some uniforms now.  
Yeah. Make sure you turn 'em on their sides. I don't want to pick up any dark side points from this.

**Racra and Carth make their way to the lower city, walking past the Sith guards at the elevator. Once there, they're almost immediately involved in a swoop gang war.**

Hidden Bek Racer: When you're a Bek you're a Bek all the way!  
Black Vulkar Racer: No way! Vulkars for life!  
Can someone point me in the direction of someone with an actual name?  
Random encounter!  
Man, I hope there's a cantina down here.

**In fact, there is. Upon entering, Racra witnesses a confrontation...**

Rodian Thug: Hey, Nord, I heard you were pretty tough! Want to prove it?  
Calo Nord: One.  
Hah! You can't scare me by counting!  
Two.  
Draw your weapon and let's fight!  
Three.  
C'mon, pull out your bla—  
UBERGANK.  
ACK!  
Man, I hope he becomes a party member.  
Lemme ask. Hey, how do you feel about joining parties?  
One.  
Okay, right, moving on.  
Mission Vao: Hey, I'm a spunky Twi'lek girl. You can tell I'll be important later on because I have a unique name and an interesting Wookiee buddy!  
Zaalbar: Rawrowarrarrrggh.  
Oh, thanks for reminding me, Big Z! Also, by Twi'lek standards I'm dressed like a nun! That's sure unique.  
...dammit.  
Right. Okay. I know I'm here for a purpose...ooh, sidequest!  
Anonymous Twi'lek Dancer: Hello! I'm an Anonymous Twi'lek Dancer! Oh, please, won't you help me?  
Sure! What can I do for you?  
My dancing partner has been detained by the Sith. I simply must have a partner if I'm to audition for a job here! Can you dance with me?  
SCORE.  
...is this sidequest even available for male PCs?  
But you've got to do it! Think of the XP! Think of the fans! ...and the service thereof!  
Screw it. We out.

**Racra and a disappointed Carth explore the corridors of Lower Taris, eventually coming upon the Hidden Bek's not-so-hidden base.**

Hey, can we come inside?  
Hidden Bek Guard: No way! This is our base.  
Pretty please?  
Well, okay.  
Gadon Thek: Hi, I'm the leader of the Hidden Bek. Your buddy Bastila was captured by the Black Vulkar, so I guess you want to be my friend now because I know where she is. Also, I have a sympathetic story about how the leader of the Vulkar, Brejik, used to be like a son to me but got greedy and betrayed me to start his own gang.  
There's a chase we can be cutting to right now.  
Too true. I'm willing to help you get your friend back. All you need to do is win the next swoop tournament.  
Sounds fair.  
Waitaminute. You mean like she's a prize?  
Pretty much.  
No way. No. Damn. Way. She's a goddamn Jedi Knight!  
Sweetie, right now she's a plot device. Anyway, in order to make sure you win, we need you to steal a super-special accelerator from the Vulkar base in the Undercity.  
So now I'm not only trying to win a woman, but I'm also cheating to do it?  
That's the long and the short of it, yeah.  
This deeply conflicts with my light side tendencies.  
Makes for a more dramatic RPG. We should grab one of those named characters from before to help us out. Which do you want, the Twi'lek or the Wookiee?  
I think you're already filling our "hairy beast" quota, Carth.  
Touché.

**Soon after, in the Undercity...**

GANK GANK GANK GANK  
Don't you worry that all this killing will influence your alignment?  
Nope! I'm righteous!  
The Black Vulkars don't really seem to be defending their base OH WOW THERE THEY ARE.  
How did they even get a rancor in here?  
Rancor: RAWR.  
GANK. Okay, we need this accelerator, but as a Good Person I can't steal it. Mission, you take it.  
What? Why me?  
Your class is "Scoundrel." Clearly you don't have much further to fall.  
.l.. ^__^ ..l.

**Soon after...**

You're back! And alive at that. Well, you ready to get your start in the world of illegal racing/slave trading?  
...  
Start your engines!

**On the track...**

GO SPEED RACER GO!

  


You won!  
Congratulations!

**~~The prize~~ Bastila is presented, perhaps not at her best:**

  


Bastila Shan: What the hell TOOK YOU SO LONG?  
Brejik: Hold it! I accuse the Hidden Bek champion of using the special accelerator, which is not only against race rules but also stolen!  
You're right, you're right. We're busted, guys. Brejik, I'm really sorry for any trouble I've caused you. Stealing wasn't right, and I should forfeit my win.  
Sweetie, there's light side and there's stupid.  
I don't want any dark side points!  
Fine. GANK.  
ACK!  
Please notice that I have a double-bladed lightsaber. Do you have a double-bladed lightsaber? No, you don't. That means I'm in charge now.  
Yes'm.

**The party returns to Carth's improbably nice apartment. Racra crashes for a quick nap, but is assailed by visions...**

  


So you've been here for nearly a week, and all you've managed to do is commit homicide dozens of times over, breaking and entering, larceny...  
I'm fairly certain it's not homicide if you're just killing aliens.  
Hey, Bastila? I've been having the damnedest dreams where you're facing off against somebody evil.  
...you don't say?  
I do say.  
Well, you must be...the only explanation is that you're Force sensitive. And because of that, you've formed a Force bond with me. And, er...are stealing my memories. Stop doing that. Have you ever been tested for Force potential?  
Hard to tell, I've got a bad case of RPG amnesia.  
We'll have to do something about it, just as soon as we get off this planet.  
Canderous Ordo: Hello! I look ASTONISHINGLY like Duke Nukem.  
...ew.  
In that I'm gruff and like to kill things, not in that I'm blatantly hypersexual and fueled by misogyny.  
That's a relief.  
I've never quite been this sexually intimidated before.  
Charming. So, what are you here for?  
I'm a Mandalorian, of the noble Clan Ordo. I want off of this planet. My life here as a bodyguard is beneath me!  
Completely true.  
Mandalorian, huh? You guys have been a buncha pussies ever since the Republic kicked your asses.  
Oh, please. We were ROLLING on the Republic. We gave your soldiers to our children as playthings. It wasn't the Republic that kicked our asses, it was Revan.  
Also true.  
But why did Darth Revan fight you?  
This was back when Revan fought for the Republic.  
0__0  
Yeah, you see...Revan was kinda a Jedi who didn't agree with the Council's decision to stay out of the Mandalorian War. Many other young, impressionable Jedi like Malak also defied the Council.  
We were pretty much ready to take over the Republic before Revan showed up and started winning. In five years the war turned around completely, and Revan personally killed Mandalor Ultimate and broke the clans.  
What happened then?  
Revan took the Republic fleet and chased the shattered Mandalorians into Unknown Space. Soon after, those fleets returned as Sith and began a new war against the Republic.  
The Jedi Civil War?  
Revan and Malak broke away from the Council and were no longer Jedi. Therefore it cannot be a civil war.  
Anyway, I want to leave this planet. To do that, we need to get the codes out of the Sith base. Fortunately, I've got a special hacking droid who can do it.  
T3-M3: Whistle squeeeeee!  
Okay, we'll need a team of our toughest people...  
Oooh! ^_______^  
...no.  
My smoldering hatred for the Sith—  
Oh, move over.  
Yessir.  
RRRAgura?  
Do you have a lightsaber?  
aruh rahg.  
That's what I thought.

**Soon, in the Sith base...**

KILL KILL KILL!  
GANK GANK GANK!  
LOOT LOOT LOOT!  
Sith Apprentice: Face me, do-gooders! When I defeat you, I shall earn my lightsaber from my master!  
Are you kidding?  
Hey, Bastila, you know what they call a Dark Jedi without a lightsaber?  
GANK.  
Got the codes!

**Meanwhile, in high orbit...**

Darth Malak: Okay. Let me see if I've got this right.  
Admiral Saul Karath: Shoot.  
I'm a very busy galactic overlord. And I didn't rise to the position of Dark Lord of the Sith by not having my underlings obey me.  
I think you rose to the position of Dark Lord by backstabbing Darth Revan while in the midst of fighting Jedi.  
With turbolasers at that. Earned style points for overkill. And now I'm the Dark Lord. I very specifically ordered an attack on the _Endar Spire_ because...?  
You wanted Bastila Shan dead.  
Right. And Bastila Shan is...  
Currently not dead, according to the sports page.  
That's an issue for me. And I really only see one way to handle it.  
Blockade the planet, tighten the occupation, and deploy your dark apprentices to scour the surface for her?  
HAH! No, Revan was the smart one, not me. I want you to bomb the entire planet flat.  
Er...  
What?  
It's just that bombing planets is kinda a sore point. It gives people smoldering resentments towards you. And, well, you only get one homeworld, sir.  
Well, I guess it's fortunate that's no longer a problem for you. Seriously, get bombing.

**Back on Taris...**

By the way, the ship I want to steal belongs to my crimelord boss.  
That's not ethical!  
Ethical shmethical, we're leaving and we're going to Dantooine.  
We'll get dark side points for stealing!  
Again, which one of us has the lightsaber?  
Hey, look, it's raining!  
Rguaarrrr.  
That's true, I've never seen rain catch fire before.  
Wooooooooochisk!  
The droid's right, run!  
One.  
You again?  
Okay, look. I know you're probably a pretty big deal in your little bounty hunter circles or whatever.  
Two.  
But you may have noticed the lightsaber I'm holding. The lightsaber means I get what I want. Do you want to make the lightsaber angry?  
Thr—  
GANK.  
That looked unnecessarily painful.  
Meh.  
There's the _Ebon Hawk_! Yoink!  
Ebon Hawk: ZOOM!  
...dammit, Saul.


	2. Dantooine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Protip: not killing potential party members is wise.

**Soon, on Dantooine...**  


  
...but in our defense, I'd like to point out that it's technically only homicide if you're killing people the same species as yourself.  
Jedi Master Vrook: Fortunately for you, it seems there isn't enough left of Taris for anyone to prosecute.  
Jedi Master Vandar: And the individual you told us about is here?  
Yes, this is Racra Ulwhe. She was a soldier on the _Endar Spire_ before that went tits-up, and has been a big help since then.  
Jedi Master Zhar Lestin: So, why'd you bring her here?  
Well, see, I'm concerned..._very concerned_...because it seems like Racra here isn't just Force sensitive, but ridiculously Force sensitive.  
I wonder how we missed her for Padawan training.  
Yeah, I wonder.  
Well, I mean, Jedi are shining beacons of all that is good and righteous in the galaxy. If I can join you in defending the Republic from the attacks of the evil Darth Malak, I'll do everything I can!  
Riiight.  
Well, it's decided. You're to be trained in the ways of the Force. Bastila will be your Master.  
WOOOOO!  
Wait, what?  
You found her..._you created this situation_...you will be the one to sort it out.  
Gonna be a Je-di, gonna be a Je-di...  
Belaya: Hey! Watch where you're going, newb!  
Whoa, I didn't mean to...hey, my Force senses tell me that you're distraught.  
I'm just...very sad. My cat ran away and joined the dark side.  
I thought cats started on the dark side.

**That night, on the _Ebon Hawk_, Racra is assailed by a dream...or is it a vision?**

Young Malak: Gosh, golly, Revan, are you sure we should be in these catacombs? I mean, the Jedi Council forbid us from coming down here!  
Jedi Revan: Oh, shut it, you pussy.  
But don't you worry they'll be mad at us for looking for the Star Forge?  
Do I look like I worry about anything?  
Point.

**Racra rouses herself and quickly seeks out Bastila.**

...and it turns out that Malak was actually kinda whiny.  
And had horrible taste in music. But let's not get off topic: I had the same vision. Our bond is stronger than I'd previously thought. I feel...so close to you...  
I'm sorry?  
No! I must remain true to the Jedi Code.  
Right. Speaking of the Code, when do I start training?  
Now's as good a time as any. You know what that means?  
Training montage!  
I will show you how to meditate!  
I'll teach you how to build a lightsaber!  
I'll instruct you in the Jedi Code!  
Awesome Green Lightsaber: Vrrrrom...vrroommm.  
Congratulations! You're a Jedi!  
Hey, Bastila, I've got a lightsaber now! Does that mean I can boss other people around?  
Yes. But don't forget that my lightsaber is double-bladed, which means I get to be twice as bossy.  
Aww.  
Your training is now complete. But you still need to prove yourself. As a Jedi, you will be faced with many agents of darkness—  
And I should try my hardest to redeem them to the light?  
Or kill them dead. Whichever.  
We have a first mission for you.  
Kill ten mottled boars and bring back their snouts?  
Not quite. There is a meditation field near here that's been corrupted by the dark side. You must cleanse it.  
Gotcha!

**Racra meets with her selected party outside the Jedi Citadel.**

Oh, boy! Off we go to save the day!  
Wow, I've never seen real grass before! We didn't have that sort of thing in Lower Taris.  
There are lots of things they don't have on Taris now. Buildings, atmosphere, people...  
;_;  
Hey, what's that over there? It looks like some Mandalorians roughing up peaceful, law-abiding citizens!  
You mean Jedi won't even defend people three hundred feet from their base? No wonder the Republic is so screwed.  
Mandalorian Thug: We used to be a noble race of warriors, but now are little more than rabble!  
LIGHTSABER GANK.  
This is actually really depressing. We used to be the baddest dudes in the galaxy, and now look at us. They were trying to shake that farmer down for pocket change!  
Baddest dudes? What about your women?  
Never had any. Very creative cloning techniques, you know.  
Why doesn't some Mandalorian just unite the clans again?  
Oh, we can't do that. You see, we're a people bound to our traditions. The only way one of us can become leader is to don the armor of Mandalore himself.  
So why doesn't someone do that?  
Well, in the final confrontation of the Mandalorian War, Revan killed Mandalore and stole the armor. Without it, the clans are shattered and shiftless.  
What a dick.  
What a genius!  
We've decided Revan's both.

**The trio explores the Dantooine landscape for a while, before coming across a distraught woman.**

Farmer Woman: Oh, you simply have to help me!  
We really don't.  
Shush, you. What seems to be the problem, miss?  
It's my companion! He's disappeared and I'm afraid he's lost in the plains! He could be hurt, or worse! There are Kath hounds and Mandalorians all over!  
Don't you worry, miss! We'll find your companion. What's his name?  
C8-42.  
He's a droid?  
I've been so lonely without him!  
...right.

**An intense search commences!**

So, do you get light side points for helping crazy people?  
Guess we'll find out. There's a droid!  
C8-42: Oh, no. Did she send you?  
That farmer lady is very lonely without you. I think it's the light side thing to do to bring you back to her.  
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Believe me, I know she's lonely. Ever since her husband died, she's been looking for me to fill in.  
You mean, like...?  
Yeah. Just like that. It's all she wants, with no consideration to my wants, my needs. Hour after hour...dammit, I'm not a machine!  
Yes, you are.  
Technically true, but if she wanted to shack up with a sex fiend then she could have just gotten herself a Twi'lek.  
&gt;:o  
Well, I get that it's not a good situation for you, but you're still her property.  
Take a longer view. I could go back to her and spend the rest of her life tolerating her amorous advances. Or, you could tell her I was destroyed and let me go on my way. That way she'll be able to move on and maybe find a companion who likes her because he wants to rather than because he's programmed to.  
Genius! It's the best for everyone, and will net me light side points!

**The droid makes for the sunset and Racra convinces the farmer to start dating again. The party travels on, eventually coming across a grotto occupied by a conspicuously evil-looking woman...**

Pale skin, check. Red lightsaber, check. Packs of dark side–infused dogs, check.  
I bet I can take out her knees from here.  
Hold on now! I use violence as a last resort.  
Since when?  
I'll ignore that.  
Juhani: HISSSSS! I roil with regret and self-loathing, and speak with a vaguely Slavic accent!  
That's pretty cool. I'd like to cleanse this place, so would you mind—  
FORCE ZAP!  
OW!  
*_*  
Uh-oh.  
I know you're jealous of my power. Surely you've heard the stories!  
I'm pretty new here.  
I knew she had nothing left to teach me. I fought my master in a duel, and in my anger I...I killed her!  
Sounds to me like you still needed to learn some restraint.  
You're right...I realized too late that for all my power, I never learned the humility to accompany it. And now my master is dead by my hand! How can I ever go back to the Council? I'm corrupted by the dark side. I should die!  
Don't give up on yourself, Juhani! No one is beyond redemption if they believe in themselves and make amends!  
Perhaps...perhaps you're right. I must try to live by the ideal my master gave her life to teach me.  
Assisted suicide?  
...humility.  
Right.

**Later, at the Jedi Council...**

Racra, good job cleansing the grove. Juhani, good job being cleansed.  
We have a new task for you.  
See, there's this cave near here. It was sealed by order of the Council, but...  
Revan and Malak went in anyway, and Malak was totally a pussy about it.  
Yes, actually. We think whatever they found in there led them to the unstoppable fleet Malak's now using to steamroller the Republic. So far no one has been able to get in.  
What makes you think I'll be able to get in when others couldn't?  
You _are_ a player character.  
Fair enough.

**At the cave...**

What do you know, Malak really was here. I'd recognize the stench of Axe body spray anywhere.  
Okay, ancient droid, get talking! What were Revan and Malak here for?  
Ancient Droid: *bzzzt* This unit was left behind to provide information on the Star Forge to those who prove themselves worthy. You've completed a series of minigames to get here, so you must be worthy!  
So, what's the Star Forge?  
A military installation built by my creators.  
Where is it?  
Please observe this handy map!  
...this map has holes in it.  
Well, it's better than nothing. We'd better take it back to the Council.

**Soon, back at the Jedi Citadel...**

I've identified the parts of the map that are missing: looks like they center around Tatooine, Kashyyyk, Korriban, and Manaan. Tatooine's the armpit of the galaxy, Kashyyyk is the galaxy's greatest rug producer, Korriban is a Sith-held world, and the Republic is in trade negotiations with Manaan, though that's being complicated by the Sith.  
If we travel to each of those planets, we should be able to find the missing parts of the map and track down the Star Forge itself!  
We entrust you with this mission, Racra. Track down the Star Forge and disable it. It may well be the only way to save the Republic.  
Also, take Juhani with you. She may yet find redemption in your travels.  
While also serving as a living, breathing reminder of what happens to people who go evil.  
I get it, I get it.  
I'll wait for you!  
*purrrrr*  
Everybody onboard! Let's go save the galaxy!  
HYPERSPACE NOISES!

**Meanwhile, on Darth Malak's warship...**

Wake me up!  
Wake me up inside!  
I can't wake up!  
Wake me up inside!  
Save me!  
Save me from the nothing I've become!  
Briiiiiing meeeeee tooooo liiiiiife!  
Masterful, sir!  
Thank you, thank you.  
But I came over to inform you that we've found a survivor from Taris you might want to talk to.  
You lost me after "a survivor from Taris."  
He said he tried to stop the Jedi Bastila from leaving the planet, but was overwhelmed.  
You saw Bastila? Good, good. Tell me, bounty hunter, did she mention me?  
One.  
Only once? Oh, it scourges my heart, but...no! No! She spoke of me! My name on her lips, my heart on her mind.  
Your metaphors are becoming strained, sir.  
Quite right, Saul. Brave bounty hunter, I charge you to find my lady Bastila. How long do you believe it will take you?  
Two.  
Two days! Triumph incipient! Go forth, loyal bounty hunter, and let love speed your way!


	3. Kashyyyk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wookiees take fantasy football very seriously.

**Kashyyyk is a planet of trees, contrast and an overabundance of 'y's. Above live the arboreal Wookiees, while below are the unfathomably lethal creatures of the Shadowlands...**

  


Czerka Customs Officer: Welcome to Kashyyyk! That'll be a hundred credits for the landing license.  
I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure you're not a Wookiee.  
Oh, surely not! But Czerka Corporation has developed business interests on Kashyyyk, so we have to work with the savag—  
RAAAAAUHHHHHH!  
...aboriginals.  
Aww, let him go, Big Z! Just think, pretty soon we'll be able to spread our good news!  
You have good news?  
^__^ We were gonna keep it a secret, but...  
Raug haaih rrrrrrrrrrgh. Hugraaaah rah gra.  
Yup! We're get married, Racra!  
Words fail.  
I couldn't believe it either! We can tell his whole village on our way down to the Shadowlands.  
Well, here we are now and...and...Zaalbar, why are we surrounded by enraged Wookiees?  
Enraged Wookiees: RRRRAG! HRRRA! UHT UHT UHT!  
Okay, take a breather. I don't even have a fantasy football team! I like hockey!  
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.  
rgh hrn ra.  
Yeah, I guess we'd better go with them.

**Soon after, in the Wookiee village of Rwookrrorro...**

Not that I'm not enjoying your hospitality—though I'm not—perhaps someone could explain what's going on here?  
Chuundar: Lady Jedi, you honor us with your presence.  
Well, you speak Basic. That's a start.  
Z, who is this guy? He looks a lot like you!  
Indeed, nubile Twi'lek. I am Chuudar, chieftain and brother of Zaalbar!  
I didn't know Z was royalty!  
Zaalbar and I are of the same father, yes. But he abandoned his inheritance when he committed a crime so heinous I dare not name it.  
RARGH! GRARRRRRRRRRRGH URRRTH!  
No, brother. She has a right to know, especially if the two of you are to be married. You see, comely maiden, Zaalbar partook of our arboreal fantasy football league...and refused to pay his league dues. We let it slide until the end of the season, but even with that grace he refused to pay his debt.  
-_-  
Rhrag urrhka.  
Wait, what?  
Gr hhhhhhurn tra.  
Oh, yeah. It's totally okay to welch on bets with slavers.  
Hrag ra.  
Also, stop hitting on the guy's fiancée. It's just not cool.  
Z, I...I just don't know if I can be with someone who doesn't pay their league dues.  
Rhaaag nrgra RRRA!  
Zaalbar's right, Mission. If his brother's been working with Czerka to enslave the other Wookiee clans—  
I have.  
Right. See, if someone is enslaving others, that makes them bad people. Bad people don't deserve to have debts to them paid.  
Nevertheless, Zaalbar's debt to me will be covered.  
Mr. Lightsaber and I disagree.  
DISAGREES.  
I would remind you that you're completely surrounded by Wookiees bound to my will, on a planet virtually conquered by the corporation I'm serving as a subcontractor for.  
...point.  
Zaalbar will stay with me here as a hostage. You and the succulent Twi'lek will travel into the Shadowlands and eliminate the rampaging Wookiee that has been causing problems for Czerka. His bounty will cover Zaalbar's debt.  
&gt;_&lt;  
...okay. But just so we're clear: I don't like slavery any more now than I did on Taris. And have you heard what happened to Taris?  
Wasn't that planet destroyed?  
RIGHT. Sleep on that.

**Our heroes descend into the ridiculously dangerous Shadowlands...**

I just don't know, Racra. He's not the Wookiee I thought he was.  
I think you're focusing on the wrong issues here. Beyond that, you need to pay attention. The Shadowlands aren't a place to screw around; it's filled with poisonous bugs, carnivorous plants, feral beasts...  
Jolee Bindo: ...  
...okay, now which are you?  
Kid, don't even screw with me. It took forever to teach these poisonous bugs to play bridge, and I'm not going to have my game ruined by some whippersnappers.  
I'm gonna go with carnivorous plant.  
What are you two down here for, anyway?  
We're looking for the Sta—OW.  
Wookiee buddy of ours has some gambling debts. I notice you've got a lightsaber there...what are your feelings on the Sith?  
Care for them even less than I do the Jedi Council.  
So, you're an ex-Jedi?  
Yeah. Got tired of all that hidebound, dogmatic Buddhist crap.  
What do you mean?  
Jedi are supposed to renounce all material connections. Wealth, family, love. Without those connections, why should we care about the Republic, or anything else?  
Like in the Mandalorian War. The Council was so removed from the rest of the Republic that they'd rather endlessly meditate on the problem than save lives.  
I think that's very insightful of you, kid. Now, don't get me wrong. The Sith don't have it any better figured out. Being ruled by your passions is as bad as rejecting them completely.  
We're down here both to help a friend of ours out and to find an ancient Star Map. We're going to stop Malak in his war against the Republic.  
That sounds like a good goal. And I think I know about the map you're talking about. I've found all sorts of things down here. Follow me, and watch out for the predators...

**The group makes their way through the Shadowlands with a minimum of fuss from the local fauna, though Jolee's bridge partners are lost to the wilderness.**

That your map, kid?

  


Looks like the one from Dantooine, yeah.  
I've tried playing with it, but it looks like it was programmed to talk to only on—  
Duros Thug: We've come for Bastila Shan, Jedi. Lead us to her and none of you need to be harmed.  
One.  
Oh, not again.  
Rodian Thug: Darth Malak has demanded her capture! Cooperate or you'll take days to die!  
Two.  
We'll never help you! Never!  
I was hoping you'd say that.  
Three.  
You know, I remember when kids respected their elders.  
UBERGANK!  
ACK!  
ACK!  
I had no idea there was that much blood in a body!  
Did you just...gank the wrong people?  
...dammit.  
FOR JUSTICE!  
Ack!  
FOR FREEDOM!  
Ack!  
FOR RIGHTEOUSNESS!  
ACK!  
Well, at least it was quick.  
I've got the map! Let's get back to the _Ebon Hawk_ and add this to the rest of the map!  
Wait! We still have to help Zaalbar! We can't just leave him here!  
Yeah, you're right. Leaving your fiancé behind would probably earn me some dark side points. Bounty be damned! I'm not doing the dirty work of some maniac who enslaves his own people! We've got what we need, let's head back up the trees and get Zaalbar back!  
Yayyy! ^_^  
Smart move, kid.

**Our heroes ascend once more to the treetops...**

Welcome back, Lady Jedi. How goes the bounty hunt?  
Yeah, I decided that I don't work for slaving Hutt-slime like you. Pack your stuff, Zaalbar. We're leaving.  
Huuuuur. Arr ra.  
I agree, it's horrible that Czerka is enslaving your people, but you know...galaxy to save? I'm sure we'll be back in the sequel.  
Aurr rh aaaaaaaarh.  
...I hadn't thought about it like that.  
Grrrrrragh.  
You're right, slavery is wrong.  
Now, wait just a minute...  
...and therefore, stopping it will net me some pretty hefty light side points!  
Consider carefully what you're saying, Lady Jedi. Czerka Corporation's actions are within Republic law—to interfere is itself illegal!  
Yeah, well, my alignment is "light side," not "Lawful Good." Unfortunately for you.  
Czerka Guards: Get her!  
Enraged Wookiees: RARAGH! HRRA!  
MULTI-GANK.  
Ah...you wound me...Lady Jedi.  
Yup. I want you to take a message to your masters at Czerka. Tell them to get the hell off of Kashyyyk. Tell them that I am going to leave this planet for awhile to defeat a Dark Lord of the Sith—and I WILL defeat him—but once I finish kicking his ass, I'll be back. And if there is even a hint of Czerka influence when I arrive, I will personall—  
GANK.  
ACK  
...  
Raghg ra.  
Okay, I guess it's true that my message could be delivered a lot faster by mailing Czerka his corpse, but I was really starting to enjoy my monologue.  
What do you think the postage on that is?  
Send him parcel rate and it won't be too bad.


	4. Tatooine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Viva La Revolución!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HK-47's lines are left unchanged from the original KotOR script 'cause that's one ~~terrifyingly hilarious~~ hilariously terrifying droid.

**Remember all those other times you've seen Tatooine?**

  


**Yeah, it's much the same. **

Recra and Bastila disembark the _Ebon Hawk_ into the dry heat of Tatooine, and find themselves in the famed settlement of Anchorhead.

If we're so far from the bright center of the universe, where is all this light coming from?  
Czerka Customs Officer: Welcome to Tatooine! I see that you've got a Kashyyyk landing permit, but those are only good for the planet they're issued on. It'll cost a hundred credits for a Tatooine permit.  
You don't need to see our per—  
Bastila, stop that. The poor man's just doing his job. Which, as long as it's not slaving, I'm okay with. Here you go.  
Thanks! Remember that if you'll be doing any hunting on the dunes, you have to pick up a license from the Czerka store!  
You're pretty big on licenses.  
Well, nobody wants Jawas or Tusken Raiders, so there's no slaving business here, but we still have to create an oppressive atmosphere somehow! It's the Czerka motto.  
I'm glad you're willing to speak up for the little people in the galaxy. It is a credit to your character that you're so kind-hearted.  
Oh, Bastila, I learned it from you.  
Yes, we've...we've that connection, you and I, don't we? I just want you to know, Racra, that I...I...  
Duros Passerby: Hello, Ms. Shan!  
Buggering hells, do I even know you?  
Sorry, Miss, but I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to Ms. Shan.  
Yes, but I am...oh, no.  
Helena Shan: Bastila?  
ohgodmom.  
Sweetie baby, how are you?  
Touching, touching, we're doing touching.  
Ms. Shan, I've a question I've been wanting to ask. What possessed you to name a child "Bastila"?  
I will simply die if you answer that.  
Let me just say that you absolutely must vacation in Paris in July. The spirit in the atmosphere is so...enticing.  
Excuse me, I'm going to go fall on my lightsaber.  
Don't be dramatic dear, it'll give you wrinkles. Anyway, I should pass along the message your father wanted me to give you.  
Daddy left me a message? Oh, what did he say?  
Let me see if I remember it. Ah! "Gaffi sticks really hurt, don't get hit by them."  
Sage advice.  
Wait. Mother...where is Daddy?  
Didn't you get my letter, dear?  
I've been very busy saving the galaxy, Mother.  
And getting kidnapped by swoop gangs.  
Hush, you.  
Well, dear, your father was killed by Tusken Raiders a few months ago.  
...Daddy?!?  
I'm afraid so, yes.  
...we'll need a hunting license.  
I'll see what I can do.

**Our intrepid hero steps into the local general store...**

Do you sell hunting licenses here?  
We do. Are you hunting animals or people?  
Looks like it'll be Tuskens tonight.  
So, both. In the meantime, you might want a translator droid for communicating with the Jawas.  
All right. Hey, droid, can you speak the binary language of moisture vaporators?  
HK-47: Disclosure: I am a versatile protocol droid, fluent in verbal and cultural translation. Should your needs prove more...practical, I am also highly skilled in personal combat.  
Okay, I'll take...wait, what?  
Recitation: Yes, as I said, I am an assassin droid. It is my primary function to burn holes through meatbags that you wish removed from the galaxy...Master.

**Soon after, our adventures trek out into the dunes...**

I see a settlement on the horizon.  
Time to get my righteous fury on.  
I suggest that we slaughter all the meatbags, master. But what do I know, I'm just a droid.  
Wait, Bastila! Your rage and passion will lead only to the dark side!  
No...no, Racra, you're right. How foolish I am. I nearly threw away my training to slake my thirst for vengeance. Thank you. Your wisdom has saved me this day.  
No, Bastila, you saved yourself. I'm just honored to have been here to witness it. What about you, HK-47?  
I will do anything you command, master. Even if it means...being *gulp* non-violent.  
Tusken Leader: Outsiders!  
Hold it! I'd rather not have this come to fighting.  
Say your piece.  
You need to stop your raids on the town. And you need to stop killing the humans living on the dunes.  
SERIOUSLY.  
An interesting request, human...but what if I merely kill you now?  
Threat: It is unwise to threaten people with assassination droids. They will hunt you down and eliminate your entire extended family.  
...on second thought, perhaps we could reach an accord. Here, take this Jawa as a token of my respect and leave. Go far away.  
Thank you! I knew we could resolve this without violence.  
Jawa Prisoner: Errrrah! Bjnga!  
HK, get translating.  
I am ninety-eight percent sure this miniature organic meatbag wants you to help find his fellow miniature organic meatbags.  
And the other two percent?  
The other two percent is that he is just looking for trouble and needs to be blasted. But that might be wishful thinking on my part.  
He's saying that his friend was exploring a Krayt dragon cave, but was trapped inside when the monster came back. He also says that there's some kind of map inside.  
Sounds like our kind of place! Let's go!

**The Jawa leads our heroes, and HK-47, across the dunes to the Krayt dragon cave.**

That's...a rather large lizard.  
Echa! Echa!  
Krayt Dragon: What...oh, for pity's sake. Adventurers? Really? I know you probably want something, but I'm so close to finally finishing _The Silmarillion_.  
Then it looks like we got here just in time. No one finishes _The Silmarillion_.  
Plus, we need that Star Map.  
You...shall...not...pass!  
GANK!  
I have...fallen to darkness...ACK.  
I guess the fact that he was cosplaying as Gandalf should have been a clue that he wouldn't be that tough. And I've got the map fragment!

**At that moment, light-years away...**

Did you hear that Kristen and Robert have been dating on the set of _New Moon_?  
Now, wait. Just because they're going out in the movie doesn't mean they're going out IRL. Patterson himself has said several times that they're not and that he thinks all the romantic rumors are, and I'm quoting here, "really bizarre."  
Then I guess he's going to miss out on some truly epic real-person fic I've been working on.  
Hate to be a bother, sir, but we've received an update on Nord's action on Kashyyyk.  
Has he found Lady Bastila?  
Not exactly. He evidently encountered Bastila's Padawan, who dismembered him completely.  
...that's quite unfortunate.  
I'm told that, to an outside observer, it appeared unimaginably painful.  
And to an...inside observer?  
I believe he actually died of the utter righteousness of the assault, rather than the dismemberment itself.  
Well, it's hardly surprising that my lady's Padawan would be so powerful. Regardless! If my lady cannot be persuaded to come to me, then I will send my affections to her. Darth Bandon!  
My liege!  
Find my Lady Bastila—and actually Bastila, not her righteously kill-happy apprentice—and give unto her...this bouquet.  
Chicks dig flowers, my lord.  
She'll be utterly incapable of resisting. Now, go!


	5. Korriban

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Righteous is as righteous does.

**Korriban is a desolate world. As the _Ebon Hawk_ soars overhead, our intrepid adventures can clearly see monuments to past Sith Lords and victories. Though well past its prime, the planet holds an ambiguous malevolence for any who dare to set foot on the surface...**

  


I was actually born on Taris, you know. My parents fled there after our species was wiped out. It was hard living, being that the people of Taris are so xenophobic, and the pressures of the Mandalorian War didn't help. All was well for a few years, until my father was killed by a man named Xor. My mother struggled to make ends meet, but a part of her soul passed away with her mate. She worked herself to death in a rathole cantina in the Undercity, and the Exchange enslaved me to pay her debt.  
...we're getting a lot of exposition from you in a worryingly brief amount of time.  
That would have been the end of my life, existing as nothing more than chattel. It was Xor himself who wished to buy me, and would have if not for the intervention of a noble Jedi.  
If you were unwilling or unable to save your own life, you deserved what you got.  
Hush, you. Who was this Jedi, Juhani?  
You may not believe it, but it was Revan.  
Revan did something nice?  
Republic soldiers were inspecting Taris after they broke the Mandalorian siege, and came across my slave auction. Revan seemed truly offended by the concept, telling Xor that he'd meet death at the end of a lightsaber if they ever met again. When I went to give my thanks, Revan just looked into me and told me I had a strong connection to the Force. The next day I was on a transport to Dantooine.  
Ah, I see. In you Revan saw strength that was unrefined. It's that sort of insight that let the Republic turn our war around.  
Seems like everyone's had some contact with Revan at one point or another. How about you, Canderous?  
The closest I've come was an ambush we'd planned on Revan's flagship. It went poorly—Revan kicked our asses, naturally—and we escaped into an asteroid field.  
There're a lot of those in this galaxy. Convenient asteroid fields to escape into, I mean.  
Not like this. In this asteroid field, there was a strange rock that moved under its own power and attacked our ships. We tried to fight back, but it destroyed half of our ships before escaping into hyperspace.  
That's a heck of a rock.  
Well, I'm sure it won't be important for at least another four thousand years. Anyway, everybody circle up. We're less than a mile from the Sith Academy, and somewhere inside is our Star Map. We're gonna have to sneak in.  
This was my thought as well, master. You show excellent logical skills...for a meatbag.  
...that's not very comforting. Anyway, Canderous, HK, I need you to help show Juhani and I how to be...evil.  
You don't have it in you.  
Hey! Spock said that it's easier for a civilized person to act savage than vice-versa. We'll get some goatees and blend right in.  
I already have whiskers, thank you.  
Okay, let's give this a shot. There's a Sith officer, talk to her like a dark sider.  
Sith Officer: Hail, evildoers!  
Fuck you, too, lady!  
...?  
GANK  
ACK!  
What the hell was that! Sure, she was evil, but I was trying to talk to her!  
I am like a veritable fable, warning against the karma caused by murdering others. A morality tale, if you will. What utter irony.  
I don't want to hear your creepy philosophizing!  
...I mean...nice human. Goooood human.  
Seems like he got it about right to me.  
We're just pretending to be evil here. Pretending! I don't want any dark side points. Let's move on peacefully. In a belligerent sort of way.  
Sith Recruit: Hail, sister!  
Hail! I'm seeking entrance to the Sith Academy.  
Other Sith Recruit: So are we! That Sith told us this is a test of patience, that we must prove our endurance by standing exposed to the elements for an extended period of time! In our underwear.  
Sith Marauder: Yes, prove your worth! Those who live will be accepted for training among the Sith!  
So, you're just going to keep them out here until...?  
*giggles*  
Right. HK?  
GANK.  
ACK!  
Oh, no! They'll never accept you as an apprentice now!  
Lady...take my word for it. You want to get far, far away from these people. You're just not cut out to be here.  
Great, we're inside. Now we just need—  
Yuthura Ban: YOU!  
AAH!  
Prostrate yourself before the master...for now...of this academy, Uthar Wynn!  
Uthar Wynn: Thank you, Urethra.  
...it's Yuthura, Master.  
There's no way they're not having disturbing Sith hate!sex together.  
Why don't you inspect the recruits?  
*simmers* YOU!  
Sith Apprentice: Yes, Mistress!  
From where does your strength come?  
Er...ah...um...my lightsaber?  
FORCE LIGHTNING.  
IEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  
Wrong! Peace is a lie, there is only passion. Through passion, I gain strength. Through strength, I gain power. Through power, I gain victory! Through victory, my chains are broken.  
The Force...shall...free me.  
...indeed. FORCE LIGHTNING.  
ACK!  
Let this be the sole lesson in the Sith Code for the rest of you. Failure to recite it properly will be punished in an utterly disproportionate manner.  
*gulp*  
YOU!  
Yes?  
I sense some darkness within you...but who are you to be worthy of our training?  
I'm, er...I used to be a Jedi. But my master was all uptight, so I was, like, screw that, right?  
And these with you?  
Juhani and Canderous are my personal servants.  
And the droid?  
Deceit: Nothing to see here, miss, just a regular droid. Move along, move along.  
None of you are worthy of us. This is Darth Malak's primary training ground for Sith troopers and dark side marauders and right now, none of you are more than dirt. You will have to prove yourselves before you are allowed deeper into the academy. Go forth and commit acts worthy of the dark side!

**Soon after...**

Okay, gang, we need some ideas. How can we impress Wynn?  
Observation: We could begin by slaughtering the inhabitants of this building, Master. Would that be impressive?  
...without doing something totally evil.  
There are nearby tombs we could explore. Always some awesomely powerful Sith artifact to be dug up. Some of the weaker Sith students undoubtedly need to be punished or tortured or executed...  
I don't think that any of those are very...XOR!  
Bless you.  
Xor: So, the little feline is all grown up, eh?  
I knew we had that exposition dump for a reason!  
You were just a kitten when I last saw you, Juhani. Tell me, how's your mother doing? Resting comfortably?  
Hiiissssss!  
Juhani, wait! You've worked so hard to control your temper and master yourself.  
I...I...such discipline is impossible for me, Racra! This man murdered my father, and wished to buy me as a slave!  
I'm not going to let you fall to the dark side, Juhani.  
I'm curious, kitty, how much did this human pay fo—  
GANK.  
Admittedly I'm a bit shaky on this light side thing, but...wasn't killing him bad?  
From a certain point of view. You see, were Juhani to kill him it would be an act of rage and thus condemn her to the downward-angled dusky sidewalk of the dark side. On the other hand, if I killed him to save her from that, it's righteous and thus okay.  
YOU!  
...and from a certain point of view, it was really evil. Watch this!  
Why is there a corpse on my floor?  
This Hutt-slime dared to try to lay claim to my property. So I shanked him with my lightsaber and rifled his pockets for loot. Next I plan on stealing his identity and racking up credit card bills!  
I like your ruthlessness, scum. I will allow you an opportunity to serve me.  
I'm all a-twitter.  
I have languished as second-in-command of this academy for too long. Wynn will be overthrown, and I will take his place.  
Because you're Sith and that's what you do?  
...yes. That, and he's really into anal.  
Squick.  
I knew it.  
Continue proving yourself to Wynn. I will ensure that the other candidates are not as successful. Your selection will take place in a ceremony with just the three of us. The proper application of your...brutality...will serve you well when I give the command. Think it over, and remember that the alternative is that I kill you.  
See? That's how you can do bad stuff and get ahead without actually accruing dark side points.  
Eager Statement: Working with you has been a thrill, master! I am eager to learn more about murder, lies, and betrayal!

**Proving that tattling isn't wrong, from a certain point of view, our heroes meet with Wynn...**

...so, yeah, your second-in-command wants to kill you and asked me to help.  
Tell me, apprentice, why bring this to me? Why would you not support Yuthura in her bid for power?  
Well, Lord Wynn, I heard that you and I have some mutual...interests...in the bedroom that supporting Yuthura would never satisfy.  
I see what you mean, apprentice. Take this poison. Slip some into Yuthura's pillowcase while she is out abusing recruits. It should begin to take effect at your induction ceremony. I will arrange events such that the other hopefuls are eliminated and ensure your ascendance.  
Doesn't that mean dozens of initiates dying? I mean, failure is death, right?  
True Sith aren't concerned with those who must fall for them to be elevated in power.  
...well, live by the sword, die by the sword, right? Thank you, my lord.  
And I look forward to seeing you. All of you.  
That was incredible! Racra, I didn't think you could hold character long enough to suggest you'd sleep with him and condone the murder of the other hopefuls, but you managed! That's just how you get past an evildoer's guard, by appealing to his baser instincts.  
...  
Racra? Are you all right?  
She's seizing!  
That's...so...GROSS! Ew ew ew!  
Are you damaged? Is it repairable?  
Yeah, I'll be fine, just...ugh. I have to get that image out of my head.  
Suggestion: Electrocution works well. Evisceration and decapitation are also effective. Or, um, so I've heard.  
Those are perhaps more drastic solutions than I would like. Let's go find Yuthura's quarters and poison her bed, then explore the valley.  
You can go in Yuthura's quarters. I'll stand watch outside and concentrate on not thinking of what's happened in that bed.

**Righteous treachery and disgusted indignation on their minds, our heroes set out to the Valley of the Sith Lords to search the ancient tombs for artifacts...**

How about this one? Says it belongs to an A. Pall.  
That's fine, but where did you get the short-shorts and ultratight tanktop?  
Not that we mind.  
Not at all, no.  
It's my standard spelunking gear! I'm surprised you didn't bring any.  
...why don't you lead us inside?  
Fortunately for us, lightsabers double as extra-length glowsticks!  
Jorak Uln: TRAPPED!  
Oh, what the hell. Who are you?  
I am Jorak Uln, former master of this academy! I was removed as head of the academy some time ago, but the students Wynn has graduated since have been subpar by Sith standards. Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to test them.  
Why did you get removed?  
Darth Malak complained that the academy had "a higher fatality rate than graduation rate" during my tenure.  
I feel you. Mandalorian schools run into the same problem starting with kindergarten.  
Obviously, it was a baseless accusation. If they couldn't live through training, how could they be expected to make it in war? What are we, Jedi?  
Surely not.  
Good! Now, prove to me that you have the makings of a Sith!  
...we're playing Wynn and Yuthura against each other and plan to kill them both.  
...  
Good?  
That's...that's beautiful. You've got it. Finally, someone who gets how it's done.  
Great! Well, it was nice, I mean, just horrible meeting you! We're gonna keep exploring.

**Deeper in the catacombs...**

Ghost of Ajunta Pall: Sigh.  
Why is everyone on this planet purple?  
Shhh. Hey there, Casper. Why so glum?  
Oh, you know. Once I was a great Sith Lord, but since I died I've had the opportunity to think about some of the stuff I've done, and it turns out it wasn't very cool.  
That's so touching. Let me just check something: you're Ajunta Pall, the guy who led the Hundred-Year War and actually founded the Sith Empire? Personally slaughtered dozens of Jedi in the last battle of that war?  
I feel really bad about all that.  
Well...there's always room for redemption, Ajunta. But you have to open yourself up to it.  
You...you're right. Thank you. Thank you for bringing me back to the Light!  
Be at peace, Ajunta Pall.  
FADES.  
How is this going to get us in Wynn's good graces?  
Loot the room and find something expensive. We'll tell him we sent Pall to the Force. It has the advantage of being technically true.

**Soon after, our heroes pick their way over the bodies of murdered Sith initiates, finally reaching the inner sanctum of the academy...**

See, this is exactly why the Sith can't win. If you pit your strongest warriors against your own weakest warriors, of course the weaker ones will die.  
If they're dead, they were weak. If they were weak, they deserved to die.  
That's awfully cyclical.  
And tautological!  
Greetings, apprentice. It is time for your diligent work to pay off.  
*hack*  
Shall we discuss it inside the super-secret academy chambers?  
Of course, but first...*cough*  
You're not looking well, my dear Urethra. Positively ill, in fact.  
Poison! I should have known! Now, my apprentice! Kill him! Kill...Wynn...  
I think not. I will miss you. You were a useful tool, and a pleasurable aside.  
ACK!  
And now with that bit of unpleasantness behind us...shall we consummate your position as my new second-in-command?  
Gag me with a lightsaber.  
GANK.  
Ah, betrayal...how did I not see this...coming...ACK.  
You are a very harsh master, master. I like you.  
It's a bit of poetic justice. Let's go get the map and get off this damned world.  
Oh, my word! Where did all these corpses come from?!  
You know how the Sith are. Always killing each other.  
I'm...I'm supposed to be bringing flowers for Lady Bastila, but this carnage turns my stomach. Seriously, what's wrong with you people? That Twi'lek looks like she died in horrible pain, and that guy was stabbed through the ass with a lightsaber! Half those kids out there aren't older than eighteen! They never had a chance to live, or laugh, or love...  
Er, well, they're bad guys, right? I thought they didn't do "love."  
The defining aspect of our philosophy is passion!  
That's great. And, sure, we've done some stuff that in different circumstances could be considered "bad." We've heinously murdered a good number of people on this planet, as well as set into motion a series of events that concluded with the brutal elimination of the other initiates, but we're not in the wrong. I mean, they're all evil, and we're on a mission to save the galaxy here!  
You people make me positively sick. And you've got to be stopped.  
Commentary: It is not possible to destroy the master. I suggest you run while my blasters warm up, meatbag.  
Fine, Bandon. This one's for Trask Ulgo!  
Who?  
Guy from the _Endar Spire_. You never met him.  
Did I?  
You KILLED HIM.  
I really don't think you're in a position to get indignant.  
I will not be out-morally-indignified by a guy with "Darth" in front of his name! Have at thee!  
For righteousness!  
Hey, that's my OW!  
This one's for our younglings!  
GANK!  
ACK!  
Thanks, HK. You saved my life.  
Commentary: Even a droid has to be allowed a little fun once in a while, master.  
Do you think Bandon may have had a point, Racra? What if the means we're using aren't actually justified by the ends?  
I don't know, Juhani. But I'll tell you one thing. Getting hit with righteousness really, really hurts.


	6. Leviathan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With apologies to Jon St. John and the reader, but mostly the reader.

**The _Ebon Hawk_ lifts off from Korriban, eagerly reaching for Racra's next destination.**

Well, we've got three out of four parts of the map. Soon we'll be able to track down Malak's Star Forge.  
Beep boop wishhhher!  
What? I am not defectively psychotic. Stupid bucket of bolts.  
Weeedle-bzzt.  
Oh, be nice T3. I'm sure HK-47 is emotionally well-balanced. HK, what is love?  
"Love" is making a shot to the knees of a target 120 kilometers away using an Aratech sniper rifle with a tri-light scope. However, I am told that the term is subject to interpretation as most meatbags would fail to make such a shot.  
*swoon*  
I take back the well-balanced thing.  
Hey, has anyone else noticed that we're being chased by a gigantic, space-faring bottle opener?

Holy SHIT.  
0__o  
RAAAAUGH!  
What do you mean you're not going BACK to jail?  
Well, we're boned. Let's draw straws to see who's going to be the one that breaks us out after we get captured. Mission, Zaalbar, Canderous, Juhani, and Jolee: grab the straws.   
That sounds a lot like cheating. Shouldn't we just kill people?  
Cheating seems only relevant when one is caught in the act; otherwise, it is considered intelligence, no?  
Point.  
What about us? Should we plot our escape, too?  
No, no. As the main character, and the main character's potential love interests, we're going to be tortured separately.  
We're what?  
Trust me.  
Great. Ordo, you got the short straw. I'm going to need you to channel Duke Nukem as hard as you can. It's gonna be you who has to fight through an entire army of Sith to break us out of here.  
Got it! HK, I need you to do me a favor and shoot me repeatedly in the chest.   
Something approaching joy is growing in my behavioral core!  
Waitami—  
GANK.  
ACK!  
&gt;_&lt;  
You're supposed to be a parody of Duke Nukem, not of 3D Realms itself!  
We're...okay, now we're screwed. Is there a God in this universe? Who do I make peace with?

**Hours later, in the _Leviathan_'s interrogation deck...**

What I don't get is, why am I in a Force cage? I'm not a Jedi. I've got no mojo.  
No shit.  
You know what? I've had enough of your attitude, you Jedi princess!  
Bastila, Carth, please! We can't let our present situation tear us apart! We need to stay strong, together!  
Brave words, Ulwhe!  
SAUL KARATH!  
Hello, Carth. It's been a long time, hasn't it?  
Traitor! How did Revan and Malak turn you? Promises of money? Power?  
Darth Revan showed me that goodness only undermines strength. And Lord Malak taught me how to use my strength to do what must be done.  
You bombed my homeworld!   
If it helps, Carth...it was my homeworld, too.  
THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT BETTER.  
Regardless. Darth Malak is a bit held up doing his makeup...  
...what?  
...but he'll be along soon enough, and I'm to begin the interrogation while we wait.  
There is nothing you can do that will break us, Karath!  
Let us see. Torture droid!  
Torture Droid: Beeeeeboop.  
Give Jedi Bastila a taste of the punishment all of the light siders can anticipate for their intransigence!  
Bzzzzzt...loading C:\Documents and Settings\My Documents\Fun Stuff!\Malak's Music\TOP SECRET\Romantic Mix CD.  
Oh, no. Not again.  
"Comin' out of my cage and I've been doing just fine..."  
Urrrrrk...  
Stop it! You're killing her!  
I leave her torture to you, Ulwhe. Answer my questions and Bastila will be spared. Defy me...  
Don't...give in, Racra...there is no emotion, there is peace.  
"...started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this..."  
...it was only a kiss...NO! There is no passion, there is serenity.  
Dantooine! They're on Dantooine!

**Meanwhile, in the _Leviathan_'s morgue...**

Sith Guard: I'm just saying, it's a shame. It was a venerable series that never got a chance.  
Morgue Technician: "Never got a chance?" Bullshit. It had four games across more than a decade. That's plenty of chances.  
They were good games.  
Three of them were side-scrolling platformers.  
There's nothing wrong with platformers. The plot was pretty cool, too.  
Plot?   
Y'know, saving the Earth...  
The entire "plot" of the series is a cigar-chomping manic viciously killing aliens who look like pigs dressed up as police officers. Such cutting social commentary! Cops are pigs! Hah! And how about women!  
There are lots of women in the series!  
No, there are strippers and victims bound in alien ooze waiting to be raped. It was like a video game series produced by Frank Miller!  
Ugh...  
Quiet, you. They made Sister Act III a porno! Do you have any idea how much I've wanted to see Whoopi Goldberg reprise her role as a sassy faux-nun?  
Did he just...?  
He fights Santa Claus in one of the expansions, for pity's sake!  
Ahhh...alive again. It's time to kick ass and chew bubble gum. And I'm all out of bubble gum.  
Where the hell did he get sunglasses?  
GANK!  
ACK!  
PWN!  
Who...the hell...are you?  
I'm Canderous Ordo. And I'm coming to get the rest of you alien bastards!  
I'm near-human, just like you!  
Let God sort 'em out. Now, where're the Jedi you bastards captured?  
The Jedi were being held in the interrogation deck.  
Nobody steals our chicks...and lives!

**Moving from one scene of horror to another...**

Lady Bastila, I see you are as strong-willed as ever.  
...I've got soul, but I'm not a soldier...  
Take me, you bastard! Leave her alone!  
Yes, take her!  
How uncharacteristically noble of you. But you don't interest me right now. Bastila? Can you hear me?  
Time...truth...hearaaaargh. Malak. I shall not yield.  
My dear Lady Bastila, it has been so many years since I last gazed upon your visage. I'm not the same man I was when we last parted. I've changed. I can offer you an empire. Choose any star in the night sky and it will be yours.   
As I told you...so many years ago...no.   
I would give you everything!  
I don't date jawless albinos!  
Oh, let's be honest, old friends that we are. This isn't about me at all.  
Malak, don't—  
You wouldn't go out with me because you were already seeing Revan, weren't you? Admit the truth!  
Fine. Yes. I dated Revan. Revan had what you could never dream of possessing: a powerful connection to the Force, strong will, quick wit, and...oh, there was this trick of the tongue that could just make a girl...  
I can't hear this!  
I could stand to hear a bit more.  
Is that your final word on the subject of us, my lady?  
I spit upon you, Malak. I've nothing more to say to you.  
Not even with...all these things that I've done?  
YRRRRAAAAGH!

**Deep in the bowels of the _Leviathan_...**

So, do you think maybe I could be a Jedi?  
No.  
Seriously, no. And stop asking.  
RRRAUGGHRA?  
Yeah, where's that high-pitched screaming coming from?  
And why are all the Sith troopers fleeing the other way?  
Sith Troopers: He likes you guys, right? You've got to stop him!  
...?  
Nobody jacks with our independence!  
ACK!  
I'll rip your head off and shit down your neck!  
Seriously?  
ACK!  
0_0  
Now this is a Force to be reckoned with!  
Isn't that offensive to our religion?  
Kid, he doesn't even care.  
ACK!  
Nobody messes with my meat!  
RRRRRRRRRAAAAAAUGH! SMACK!  
Ow...Zaalbar, where...how did I get here?  
You rode in on a wave of pure testosterone.   
How are you even alive? Nobody HK shot has ever gotten back up before.  
As a veteran of countless wars, I've received my share of injuries. A lot of the time, those injuries involved replacing my original organs with cybernetic implants. That allows me to heal otherwise lethal wounds.  
HK-47 will be so disappointed.  
I'll make it up to him later. All right, let me do a little sabotage...there, all the cells on the ship are deactivated. Now let's get out of here!

**Canderous' infiltration interrupts the hot fuss on the interrogation deck!**

The Force cages are down!  
Thank goodness! I don't know how much more Bastila could have taken.  
Ordo got us free; they should be heading to the _Ebon Hawk_ now. It's up to us to open the hanger doors from the bridge. Bastila, are you okay to move?  
Everything will be all right...urk. Yes, I'm quite prepared.   
I've got our gear!  
Sith Officer: The prisoners are escaping!  
Legion of Sith Troopers: Get them!  
GANK GANK GANK.  
BLAST BLAST BLAST.  
GANK GANK GANK.  
ACK!  
Racra, Bastila, you get the hanger doors open. Karath is mine.  
'Kay! Watch out for the dark side and all that.  
Killing me won't bring your wife back, Carth.  
It's the next best thing. Any last words?  
I know Ulwhe's secret.  
Pretty weak last words. GANK.  
ACK.  
Now what the hell did he mean by—  
IXNAY on the ECRETSAY.  
If only HK-47 were here to translate your strange language!  
Do you sense that? A dark presence is near, like the opening of a new Hot Topic!  
You shall not escape!  
Darth Malak! I understand that there's a lot of rage inside of you, that you feel guilty for your crimes. But I want you to know...I forgive you.   
Excuse me?  
And it's time for you to forgive...yourself.  
Is she fucking kidding me?  
There's a lot you could learn from her.  
What did she do to your mind, Ulwhe? We were going to take over the damn galaxy together! Were you always a whiny light sider deep down inside? All those times you called me a pussy, was that just covering your own insecurities?  
Racra, Carth, run! I'll hold him off!  
I can't believe I tortured Ewoks with you! I thought you were true to the scene, but now I know you were just another sellout!  
RUN! And never forget, Racra, I've alw—  
Door: FORCE-SLAMMED!  
Bastila! No! ...Carth, do you know what this means?  
That you're actually Darth Revan, Dark Lord of the goddamn Sith?  
More important than even that!  
...?  
...I'm dating Bastila!


	7. Manaan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kolto is budget-brand bacta.

**Aboard the _Ebon Hawk_, en route to Manaan...**

Racra Ulwhe: Hey, what do you think of my mask? Be honest.  
ohgodtakeitofftakeitofftakeitoff.  
Okay, geez. I was just going through Bastila's stuff and found it.  
You went through her cabin?  
Apparently we're dating, so I can do that. What I can't decide is if it's creepy or endearing that she's kept all my things from my time as a Sith Lord.  
Augh rah. Brrrrrrrrraah.  
Yeah, I think "stalker-crazy" encapsulates the concept pretty well.

**The _Ebon Hawk_ sets down on Manaan's primary surface-city, Ahto, a place held in firm neutrality by the Manaan government...**

At least a planet of oceans is more plausible than a planet of forests or a planet of lava.  
Jan Ors: Or a planet of beaches.  
Yes, or that.  
This is a horrible planet! I'm a catgirl! I can't do water!  
Yeah, whatever. Listen, I'm still stuck on this Revan thing.   
What's so hard to get? Everybody saw the dark path you were going down.  
Waitaminute. You knew I was Revan?  
'Course I knew you were Revan! How many other Black women do you know of in the Jedi Order?   
...point. But why the hell didn't you say anything?   
Well, I don't agree with what the Jedi Council did to you, but I've learned to trust the Force to see to it that things turn out for the best.  
Admittedly, I spent a lot of the Sith War wallowing in the dark side on Dantooine, but...how did the Council possibly turn Darth Revan, biggest bad-ass in the galaxy, into a righteous light sider like Racra?  
I think that's a very good question.  
The Council was desperate, kids. You think the Sith War is going badly for the Republic with Malak in charge? As Revan, you turned the tactical cunning that beat the Mandalorians on the Republic, forcing it into the impossible position of defending hundreds of worlds. The Council was forced to act. They chose—  
Negotiation?  
Assassination.  
I'm surprised those weaklings found the spine to take such decisive measures.  
...  
...  
...I mean, golly, it's so sad that we couldn't have just talked it out over a few cups of cocoa.   
...right. Anyway, the Republic fleet managed to ambush both Revan and Malak's flagships and insert a Jedi strike force to assassinate you.  
I remember...  


  
...posing dramatically, and...and...  


  
My girlfriend tried to fucking kill me!  
Don't get too worked up about it, kid. From all accounts, you were all set to send her back to the Council in Ziploc baggies. And despite that, she was ready to give her all for you. Lucky to have a woman like that.  
Are we talking about me or you now?  
Don't get smart with me. Anyway, Malak saw you going after Bastila and went a bit crazy.  
A bit more crazy.  
Right. He had his flagship open fire on your bridge and damn near killed you.  
That could have killed Bastila, too!  
You know Malak better than anyone, kid. Has he ever struck you as the bright one? Anyway, you were nearly dead by the time Bastila got to you. She could have let you die right there, but she didn't. She reached out to you and kept you alive through sheer force of will.  
I can almost remember that. I felt such...radiance and peace. Almost as if we were merging.  
Problem is, while Bastila managed to keep your body alive, your mind was pretty much gone. The Council's hope was that somewhere, locked away in that damaged brain of yours was the knowledge of the Star Forge and how they could defeat it. Bastila was ordered to use the Force to construct the personality of Racra Ulwhe in the hope that you would lead them back to the Star Forge.  
Waitaminute. All I am, my personality, what makes me "me"...that was all constructed by Bastila?   
I suspect your habit of righteous slaughter is part of Darth Revan's personality, but you're essentially right.   
So how do I know that my desire to serve the light side, or even...even my love for Bastila is real?  
Just gotta trust your feelings, kid.  
She created my feelings!  
We could have done all this exposition on the ship, you know. Where it's not wet.  
You're right, you're right. We have to find the last Star Map...or do I only want to do that because Bastila made me want to?  
Drive yourself crazy thinking like that.  
Sith Diplomat: Good day.  
Aaah! Sith!  
Selkath Peacekeeper: Stay your weapon, outsider! There is to be no violence on our world.   
So I...don't kill them?  
To do so would threaten your government's negotiations for our kolto.  
That sounds pretty important.  
Look, we need to get down to the ocean floor. We're on a scavenger hunt. Can you help us with that?   
Can you swim?  
To the bottom of the ocean? No.  
Well, looks like you're out of luck. We built this city on the surface because we don't want you outsiders in our homes. Enjoy your stay.  
Well, let's go find the cantina, maybe someone there will be able to point us in the right—  
Elora: Jolee? Jolee Bindo?  
Ellie? I haven't seen you in...!  
Jolee, oh, Jolee! Thank the Force you're here! Something terrible happened to Sunry, and the Selkath have arrested him!   
What happened?  
Well, the Selkath say that they were summoned to a hotel room by reports of blaster fire and that when they got there, they found a dead Sith woman with one of Sunry's medals!  
A Republic soldier and a Sith, star-crossed lovers finding each other in an unfeeling galaxy? That's so romantic!  
You sound a lot like Bastila there.  
Hush, you.  
It's not romantic! He's my husband!  
Well, you're in luck. Apparently once you go Sith, you _can_ go back.  
We'll get to the bottom of this, Ellie. I promise.

**Meanwhile, onboard the _Leviathan_...**

It's been a week, Malak. You've exhausted the discography of Panic! at the Disco. The Force protects me.  
I've been quite impressed by your resiliency, my lady. It only makes me love you more. In fact, I went shopping for us both. For me, the new Axe scent. Tell me if you like it. It's called "Dark Temptation."   


  
You're punning. How cute.  
Your scorn cannot hurt me now, my lady. But your contempt did not stay my hand of gift-giving. I stopped by Spencer's, you see.  
Even you could not be so perverse, Malak!  
I bought you a cute little outfit. Black crop-top with "Sith Princess" printed on it, black pleated miniskirt, and black platform-heel boots, accessorized with neon pink suspenders and fishnet stockings!  
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**Back on Manaan, our heroes enter the Ahto court...**

Hey, I'm here about the Sunry murder. I'm going to clear his name.  
Selkath Judge: Well, we've got our own police force doing an investigation. Ordinarily we'd tell you to screw off, but I can see you're a PC. I dub you "arbiter" and give you the authority to carry out the defense of the suspect.  
Thanks! So, what do I need to know?  
Several nights ago, Sunry was seen leaving the hotel after blaster shots were heard. Our police found the dead Sith woman holding one of his medals.  
Doesn't it seem odd to you that he would bring his medals to a tryst, let alone leave such an obviously damning piece of evidence behind?  
Human, to me mating is ejaculating on a pile of eggs. I really don't feel I have any room to question other species' practices.  
...I need to go scrub my brain.  
We have a number of witnesses here for the trial you may interview, or you can talk to the suspect first.  
Bring Sunry up.  
Sunry: Jolee? How're you doing, man? It's been years! How's your wife?  
We're here to talk about your relationship problems, Sunry, not mine. Do you remember what I told you back on Alderaan?   
"I bet I can get that chick to let me do a body shot off her stomach."  
No! Well, yes. But, no! What I said was, "Find something healthier than the Sith to screw with, like death sticks." Not only didn't you take my advice, but you're literally screwing the Sith!  
It's not like that. Well, it kinda was. We were having sex, but I was trying to get her to defect to the Republic!  
Bring in the witnesses!  
Gluupor: I was in the hotel, sure.  
Did you see or hear anything important?  
Nope.  
Even without the Force, I can tell you're lying through your teeth. Or whatever you have. Give me a straight answer and I won't have to be Persuasive.  
Well, I, er, kinda planted the medal found in the Sith woman's room.  
Great. Next!  
Firith Me: I spend a lot of time in the lobby gambling, and I overheard the Sith woman mention her "master" a few times.  
Ah, so she's into the kinky stuff.   
While I can't contradict that, the lightsaber she was carrying suggested a different meaning.  
Okay, so she's just slumming it. Next!  
Ignus: I'm the owner of the hotel, and I heard the blaster shot go off after Sunry left the room.  
Why the hell didn't you mention that before?  
...your lightsaber is now a lot closer to me than the Sith's.  
Okay, I'm ready to present my defense to the court.  
Sith Lawyer: I object!  
Stuff it. What we've got here is a situation in which a poor woman's emotions were twisted and manipulated until she doesn't even know right from wrong anymore, to the point where she's not only trying to destroy her own empire, but the very sight of it sickens her, and—  
Are we still talking about the case?  
...yes. Yes, we are. The point is that the other Sith found out about her change of heart, artificial though it may be, and had her killed. They then framed her Republic lover to cripple the Republic's kolto negotiations!  
Your honor, the defense counsel is clearly—!  
C'mon, does anybody really believe this schmuck killed a dark Jedi?   
Yeah, that's kinda ridiculous. Case dismissed!  
Wooo! All those hours of watching _Ally McBeal_ and _Boston Legal_ finally paid off!  
Great job, Racra!  
Now that they owe us, let's check out the Republic embassy and see if they can help us get down to the ocean floor.

**An hour later, in the embassy...**

Roland Wann: Welcome, master Jedi. How can I help you today?  
We're looking for a map in the deeps. Can you help us?  
Yes and no. Our teams have found a Star Map, and I have a submersible that can get you there, but I need your help first. The Sith captured one of our probes, and I need you to recover it from their embassy before they crack the encryption on its data.  
Let 'em. What interesting information could it possibly have from this watery ball?  
...detailed information on our kolto farming operation.  
omg that's totally illegal!  
Which is why the Sith, and the Selkath, need to not know about it.  
We should turn you in! For justice!  
Now, hold on there. Take the long view: stirring up trouble here isn't going to help us get the Star Map.   
We'll do it, but how are we supposed to get into the Sith embassy without drawing attention?  
Our intelligence agents have been able to secure a passcard. Now get moving, the longer you wait here, the more likely the Sith are to crack the probe's encryption.

**Soon after, in the Sith base...**

Where do you think they keep captured probes?  
Hold on, kid, we've got someone coming.  
Sith Officer: Who the hell are you? Your passcard is a week out of date.  
I'm sure there's something pithy I could say about military intelligence being a contradiction in terms.  
I got this. I'm going where I want to, lady. I'm Darth Revan.  
Right. You're not wearing black and your lightsaber's not red.  
It's not so much the color as how one uses it. Personally, I intend to use it to carve you a new asshole if you don't move.  
See, that was a Revan line.  
Like I've never been threatened by Dark Jedi before. GUARDS!  
Sith Guards: All right, Jedi, come with us.  
Dark Jedi: Or die. It's your choice.  
Fine. We tried to do this with a minimum of loss of life. Come. Come and suffer then!  
Rrrrrraaaagh!  
GANK!  
ACK!  
She's...she's too powerful! Run!  
We can't have them summoning reinforcements. PERSUADE.  
You're...you're all evil! Bob, you're a wretched person! And, Stephanie...you can't be allowed to live!  
Racra, you can't—  
SELF-GANK.  
Force Persuade is a light side power, Juhani. Think about that while you get the probe.

**Back at the Republic embassy...**

There you are. Did you have any problems?  
None. We'll be taking our trip down to the mining facility now.  
Here's the keys!

**Racra's submersible begins its journey into the deep...**

Jolee, would you pull Juhani off the ceiling? Her terrified yowling is getting kinda annoying.  
We're not only near water, we're IN WATER.  
There's the harvesting facility now.   
I'm pulling into dock. As long as we keep her away from windows, Juhani should be fine.   
What's that eerie music?  
Sounds like "It Had To Be You" by Django Reinhardt.  
Where is everyone? The sharks couldn't have gotten inside and eaten everyone, could they?  
Seems unlikely. But, look, here comes somebody now.  
Insane Selkath: Ie! Ie! Rakata hrakert!  
Aah! What are they even doing here?!  
Ie! Ie!  
Hold your ground, people. We're Jedi and they're just NP—  
Big Daddy: RRRRROOOOOGHA!  
Oh, God, I don't have any electric shot! RUN!

**A violent struggle erupts between the Selkath and the Big Daddy while our heroes escape...**

Apparently we need a new plan.  
I've got a plan. It's called "hide here and hope they kill each other."  
I second that.  
So, Jolee, tell me...Sunry mentioned you had a wife, and that clammed you up pretty fast.  
And that makes you think I want to talk about it?  
I'm a PC. We're pretty nosy.  
Well, let's just say...I understand where Bastila was coming from when she went after you herself.  
This should be good.  
See, my wife was a Jedi. The Council said that our love was forbidden, that the connections it would create would destroy the both of us. We laughed them off as only the young can, and we lived happily for a while.  
What happened?  
Well...you heard of Exar Kun?  
Yeah, I studied his methods when I planned my assault of the Republic. Decided he didn't have enough of an overarching structure to create a lasting Sith Empire. Had to respect his fervor, though.  
Yeah, well...when Exar Kun went to war against the Republic, a lot of other Jedi were drawn along with him. My wife...she answered his call and turned to the dark side.  
Ouch. That's rough, Jolee.   
I tried to talk her out of it. Tried to get her to stay with me, but she got angry and drew her lightsaber on me. We fought, and at one point she stumbled...a quick strike would have stopped her from going over to the dark side forever.  
What did you do?  
What the hell did you think I did? I couldn't kill my wife. I let her go. Because even if she did turn to the dark side, nothing could stop me from loving her.  
That's nothing like the choice Bastila made. She decided to kill me rather than let me go.  
You've never been in my shoes, kid. Never been in Bastila's. You never, ever stop hoping that she'll come back to you, all smiles and radiance...but there comes a point when you have to acknowledge that this isn't the person you fell in love with anymore, that they've become a person who needs to be stopped.   
And she never came back to you.  
During the course of the war, my wife became very good at killing Jedi. Developed a taste for it, you might say. I can't tell you how many of our friends she hunted down and murdered before I finally caught up with her and...put an end to her rampage. The Council actually promoted me, said I'd learned to separate myself from emotional connections. I realized they just didn't get it and left to live on Kashyyyk.  
That's...really sad.  
Yeah, kid. It is. And that's why I say that you've never been in my shoes. If I had it to do again...I hope I'd have the strength Bastila did.  
Okay. I think the Big Daddy's portholes are green again, so let's head out.

**Our heroes creep through the facility, dodging Big Daddies and ~~splicers~~ insane Selkath before coming to an airlock...**

Looks like the Star Map's out there somewhere. We're gonna have to go look.  
No, no, no no no. No way. Not going out there.  
She's got a point, actually. There's only one divesuit here.   
...guess it's me, then. Help me into it.

**Into the deep...**

Okay, I'm moving past the kolto farm. Moving very, very slowly past the kolto farm. Is my radio coming through all right? Are you getting the video feed?  
Loud and clear. The Star Map should be to your right and downhill.  
Yeah...yeah...I can see it. And I can see the biggest goddamn fish you've ever heard of.  
Racra, this is no time for tall tales.  
No, seriously.  
Progenitor: rrrrrrr.  
Well, what do you think it wants?  
Maybe it's an ancient being, forerunner of both the sharks and the Selkath, tied intimately to the production of kolto and righteously enraged by the Republic's illegal harvesting.  
Or?  
Or, it's an eldritch horror from the deeps, vast beyond human comprehension, whose very existence drives the Selkath to insanity, waiting for the proper alignment of the stars to carry out an apocalypse upon a planet that it doesn't even recognize as worth caring about.  
Let's hope it's the former. I need to go calm Juhani down; she looked straight at the thing on the cameras and is now a huddled mass of gibbering horror.  
Great. Just...great. Okay, are you going to let me get close to the Star Map?  
RRRRRRR.  
No, right. Okay, you're a giant fish...possibly existential terror...what do you want?  
rrrrrrr.  
Well, what if you actually are the source of kolto? I bet the Republic stealing it would make you pretty mad.  
rrrrrrr.  
What if I were to...set the harvesting equipment to overload? Would that make you happy?  
rrrrrrr!  
Let's try that!   
Racra? What's going on out there?  
I'm destroying the equipment, and it's...it's swimming away! I've got the Star Map! I'm coming back in, let's get to the surface.

**Back in Ahto City...**

Selkath Judge: You are eight different kinds of arrested right now.  
Look, I understand that you guys are distressed...  
Not only did you go into forbidden territory, but you took part in an illegal harvesting operation!  
Really, we more took part in disabling it. Besides, the big fish seemed to approve of our actions.  
Big fish?  
Yeah, you know. Kinda looked like one of the sharks, but a whole hell of a lot bigger.   
...you saw to the Progenitor? You talked to the Progenitor?  
Sure, if that's what you call it.  
It really does exist...the creator of our species resides in the depths...so close! This requires a reconceptualization of our entire theology!  
Glad to help.  
Shouldn't we tell them that it seems to drive people insane?  
They're smart, I'm sure they'll figure it out. Let's get back to the _Ebon Hawk_ and put this map together!

**On board the _Ebon Hawk_...**

All right, T3! Show us the completed map!  
Whistle-whiiiiiiiiir.  
Lord Revan, ma'am, I'd just like to say that it's an honor to be able to fight alongside you—  
Yeah, it's a great honor for me, too. Anybody recognize that star system?  
You've been there, Racra. Is it familiar to you?  
It does feel...familiar. Like an incredible fount of the dark side, staining everything.   
Wrrrrraarw. Ruuar arh.  
You're right, Big Z! The Sith are sure to have an armada guarding the Star Forge. We should call the Republic for help before we attack.   
Now we're talking.  
It's a plan. Juhani, inform the Jedi Council and have them assemble a Republic fleet to meet us. Carth, set a course...to the Star Forge!


	8. The Unknown World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A day without Jennifer Hale is like a day without sunshine.

**The _Ebon Hawk_ emerges from hyperspace in a system deep in the Unknown Regions...**

Looks like that's it right there...the Star Forge.  


  
Can you feel it? It's like the Star Forge is radiating waves of dark side energy.  
Rahhurararg.  
Yeah, it looks like it's sucking in energy from the star.  
Star...Forge. We've got the star, but what do you think it forges?  
Beeeep whirl-whir boop!  
We should hope it's dreadnaughts! That would be a glorious battle.  
Can the chatter, people. We got here ahead of the Republic fleet, so we need to lay low until it's time to attack. Carth, take us over the north pole of that planet down there. The magnetic fields should hide us from the Sith's scans.  
Really?  
It worked for the Maquis. Get moving.  
Sputter, putt...putt.  
That's...not good at all.  
We've lost main power! Engines are off-line and we're falling into the atmosphere!  
Cross-wire the Heisenberg compensators into the main deflector dish and reverse the polarities!  
That doesn't work in this universe! We're going down, I'll try to keep us in a controlled fall! Everyone strap in!  
But there are only three chairs on the entire ship, and Carth's already got one!  
Dibs!  
DIBS!  
Di—shit.  
ACK!

**Our dazed heroes rouse themselves after the _Ebon Hawk_'s brutal landing. What hellish landscape will they face in this desolate, savage world?**

Son of a bitch, we crashed on a planet of beaches.  
Forget fighting the Sith, I'm going to go see if there are any beach chairs in the storage room.  
You're busy right now. Why the hell did we crash?  
It was like we entered some kind of anti-technology field. Engines, shields, computers...we lost pretty much everything.  
So we can't get back into space while the field's up.  
I saw a ziggurat on our way down. Seems like a pretty safe bet that it's somehow related.  
Agreed. All right, Carth and HK-47, with me. Everyone else, secure the _Ebon Hawk_ and wait for our signal.

**The two heroes and HK-47 head north, taking brief breaks from their mission to frolic...**

Now let's build sandcastles!  
Focus, Carth. Hey, who are they?  
Duros Crew: Humans? Thank goodness!  
I think he is making fun of you, Master. Shall I proceed with wasting the meatbag?  
No. Who are you people?  
We're simple traders, plying the hyperspace routes to try and find new markets. But we came out in this system in the middle of a Sith flotilla, and then lost power and crashed here.  
How do we get off this planet?  
...if I knew, I wouldn't be here.  
Rakata: Hey! You there!  
Run!  
We come in peace, Jedi. The One wishes to speak with you.  
Which one?  
The One.   
Fine, don't tell me.

**The party is brought to a Rakata villiage, and before the One...**

The One: Darth Revan. Do you remember what I said last time I saw you?  
No. Let's just go with no, for brevity's sake.   
I told you that I would give you all the aid you needed in escaping this world, so long as you killed the Elders.   
And why would I do that?  
Because the Elders are the ones who got the whole lot of us banished to this world. It's because of their poor leadership over the centuries that lead to the downfall of our galaxy-spanning empire!  
Empire? Who are you again?  
We are the Rakata!  
The who?  
Our Infinite Empire enslaved your species, and hundreds of others! Five thousand years ago, we were at our peak. Didn't you ever wonder why so many alien species appear all over the galaxy with no discernable pattern of migration or diaspora? We transported entire populations to serve us.  
We're not playing _Dune_ here. Lucas isn't exactly known for world-building.  
We made Tatooine the blasted wasteland it is, and made Kashyyyk an entire planet of trees!  
...why?  
Because we could?  
Well, you all sound like charming people, but I really need to get off this planet.   
I'll make the same offer I made to you the last time you were here, Revan. If you kill the Elders, my priests will aid you in entering the ziggurat and escaping this world. Now, I've noticed that the Elders are still here, but I'm willing to overlook your shortcomings if you can just kill the fogies this time.  
We'll think about it.

**A broken path leads towards another Rakata village...**

Do you think she's all right?  
Who do you mean?  
Bastila. Can you sense her? Some Jedi magic?  
I can...I can tell that she's alive. Beyond that, I don't know. I miss her, Carth. Even if they're not really my feelings, I miss her. I wish I could hear her voice.  
Mockery: "Oh, master, I love you but I hate everything you stand for, but I think we should go press our slimy, mucus-covered lips together in the cargo hold!"  
...shut it, HK.  
Rakata Elder: Revan! Where the hell have you been?  
Destroying the galaxy, saving the galaxy, it's been very confusing. Listen, I need to get into the ziggurat over there.   
That's...exactly what you said last time. You also said that you'd help us rescue some of our people being held captive by the other village, but instead you tricked us and fled the planet.  
You screwed both villages over? You really were kind of a dick, weren't you?  
Looks like. Listen, maybe we can help each other. I'm willing to carry through on my original promise.  
That was three years ago! Those people are long dead by now. But...the other village has made another raid upon us, and made off with many captives. If you could rescue them, we would be much appreciative.  
I am quite eager to participate in some unadulterated violence!  
I need to think about this, HK. We need to cooperate with one of the villages, and it might be this one. I won't just trick them like I did as Revan.  
As you command, master, but I would be very swift and violent in dealing with the little meatbag...  
Elder, we'll think on it and return to you with our answer.  
You hear that, meatbag? I'll be back!  
...for the last time, HK, the solution to this problem is not indiscriminant slaughter. And why the hell do you keep calling everyone "meatbag"?  
Your pupil once asked what I thought of him and I informed him of his meatbag status. He was unimpressed, but you thought the reference was humorous. You programmed me to continue using that reference. It drove your pupil to extreme lengths of frustration.   
So you built HK-47, too?   
Can we just agree that I used to be all sorts of asshole? Look, HK, I want you to find another way of expressing yourself. There's no need for you to be rude to everyone all the time.  
Correction: Er...fluid-filled biped? Watery flesh-sentient? I'll, uh, work on it, master.  
Good. All right, here we are.   
Darth Revan! I'm surprised that you came back. Tell me, is my will done? Are the Elders dead?  
I'm trying to get out of the assassination business, The One. Rather, I'm here to secure the release of your prisoners.   
You would side with them? After they let the Infinite Empire collapse?  
I don't actually see that as a bad thing. I've been checking Wookieepedia, and from the looks of things you people are a race of dicks.   
But...but...  
Shut it! You're not the dominant power in the galaxy any more! Get over it!  
I just miss the old days, sometimes.  
You know what? Sometimes I empathize. But I don't go around kidnapping people. Get the prisoners out here, I've got a ziggurat to get into.

**Soon after...**

Thank you for returning our friends, Revan. We're vastly appreciative.  
You people may have lost your empire, but I still need to save the Republic. How do I get into the ziggurat?   
First you'll have to be cleansed by our priests. After that you can enter alone and make your way to the top, where you will find what you need.  
So why don't you guys just do that yourselves and get off this planet?  
The entrance to the ziggurat is protected by a field that we cannot bypass; legend says that only those influenced by the Force can pass through.   
And you guys built it?  
...we're not very bright.  
Not complaining. Well, let's get out there and get cleansing.

**At the foot of the ziggurat...**

Ie! Ie! Ie!  
All right, Carth, HK, I want you to stand guard out here until I get back. I don't think I'm going to be too long, and we need to be ready to get back into space and take on the...Star Forge...HK, why are you raising your hand?  
It's just that you have all those squishy parts, master. And all that water. How does the constant sloshing not drive you mad?  
We get by.  
But, master, how do you live knowing about the nature of your slush innards?  
Moving on. Carth, keep trying to get in contact with the _Ebon Hawk_. That'll be your sign that I've disabled the anti-technology field.  
You've got it, Racra.  
Hold on there, youngster!  
Ran...all the way...here.  
I left you guys on the ship!  
There's some seriously bad dark side mojo in that ziggurat, kid. Can't have you facing it alone.  
You can't have more than one person enter the temple! It's forbidden by out ancient texts!  
Last time I was here, I had Malak with me. Clearly your ancient texts are a bit out of date. Let's go.

**Inside the ziggurat...**

Do you sense that? Something foul is near, like a convention of loligoths.  
...oh, no.  
Oh, yes, my one-time allies!  
BASTILA!  
...what the hell are you wearing?  
I've spent time with my Lord Malak...listening to his poetry, admiring his jawless profile...and it is to him that I am now loyal!  
That miniskirt alone is enough to tell me that you've fallen to the dark side, Bastila!  
...and how.  
Racra...I've been here. If you let her get away here, there's no telling the devastation Bastila could wreak.  
To the contrary, Jolee. First I'm going to kill you all. Then I'm going to paint my nails this great new color I found, "Dark Essence Plum." Then I'm going to lead a Sith fleet to wipe out the Republic. Finally, I'm going to convert the northern hemisphere of Naboo into a spa. An evil spa, of course.  
You've got to be stopped. I know that much objectively, 'cause even Gungans don't deserve that. But I can't trust my feelings about you. I feel affection and longing for you, but you've built and manipulated my personality to your own ends, so of course I'm drawn to you!  
Feh! The woman I used to be was far too weak to exercise her power like that. She thought of it, certainly. Of making you into the loving, idealized partner she'd always wanted. But pathetically she chose to be honest and recreated your personality almost exactly as it had been before your fall to the dark side.   
So you mean...my feelings are my own.  
Indeed. You're exactly as much of a simpering fool now as you were before you realized your power.  
...I know what I have to do.  
RIGHTEOUSNESS  
You can't hope to match me, Revan! My passions give me strength you couldn't imagine!  
I'm fighting for something bigger than myself, Bastila!   
OW! And what...is that? Power? Dominance?  
Love, Bastila. Come back to me.   
You...you're a fool, Revan! But a powerful one. I shall gather my strength, and we'll have a final reckoning...on the Star Forge!  
Kid, were you not listening to my story back on Manaan? Bastila is a person who needs to be stopped. Who knows how many people are going to die because of the decision you made here today?  
She and I aren't done yet, Jolee. She was right when she said there'd be a final reckoning. Let's turn off that technology disruption field and put an end to this.


	9. The Star Forge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> T3 and Zaalbar get all the best lines.

**In the space near the Star Forge, a mighty Republic fleet does battle with the Sith flotilla...**

  
Master Vandar: I sense Jedi Bastila's battle meditation. If she is allowed to continue, we cannot win.  
Admiral Forn Dodonna: There's a ship coming up from the surface...it's the _Ebon Hawk_! It's flying damaged, but it looks like they're landing on the Star Forge!  
If Darth Revan's return to the light side is not complete, already lost the Republic is.

**In the Star Forge's landing bay...**

Carth, Mission, Zaalbar, and T3, find the Star Forge's altitude control systems and see if you can find a way to crash the damned thing into the sun.  
You can count on us, Racra.  
Raaaaargh!  
^_^  
HK-47, Canderous, I need you to keep the Sith off my back. Get out there and cause as much havoc as you can.  
Actually, it looks like HK's already gotten started.  
That's an awful lot of blood.  
It was nothing, really, master. The majority of them were not expecting it, and I move very quickly.  
Right. Canderous!  
Yes, Revan?  
...make me proud.  
Yes, Revan.  
Juhani, Jolee, with me. We're finding Malak and putting an end to this.

**Carth leads his team to the Star Forge's control center...**

I just don't know if I can trust her.  
What do you mean, Carth?  
Even if she has done good things and become righteous over the last few months, she still had a role in the destruction of my homeworld. How can I forgive that?   
Whistle dweeeeeeee beep chirt. Click whirrrrrrrrr boop.  
T3's right, Carth. Hating Racra won't bring your family or your world back. But helping her now may prevent further tragedies.   
It's not easy.  
Rahg arh ra.  
They'd want you to move on with your life, Carth.

**The Jedi fight their way through waves of battle droids and Sith troopers until Racra calls a halt near the pinnacle of the station...**

There's...a familiar presence here.  
No time for that, kid! We're getting swamped under Dark Jedi!  
No. I have to see this through. Hold them here and wait for me!  
Racra, there are...there are too many!  
I know you can hold, Juhani. I remember you now. Taris, a young catgirl up on the auction block, glowing with the power of the Force. I was impressed by your power then. When we met for a second time on Dantooine you were victim of your passions, but it was your strength more than anything that brought you back to the light side. I remember you, Juhani. And I believe in you.  
We...will hold.  
Hope you know what you're doing, kid.  
So do I. I'll be back.  
You're too late, Revan! The Republic fleet is crumbling before my will, and it's only a matter of time before you and the rabble you keep are rounded up and executed!  
I know. We're just about done for, but there are some things I had to say before we got to that point.  
Words are the last refuge of the weak, Revan.  
It's been kind of funny...I've got all sorts of memories: Racra's, Revan's, and those belonging to the Revan before I turned to the dark side. Each of the sets of memories has a...a tint to it, you know? Racra's memories are relentlessly sunny, owing to your influence I suspect. Revan's memories are icy calculations, cut through with fiery rage. The ones before that...before the Mandalorians...are happy.   
Like a puppy, I suppose?  
But there's one thread that runs through all the different people I've been. It's you, Bastila. Meeting you on the Academy grounds for the first time, facing off against you on my flagship, seeing you now. I love you, Bastila. No matter who I am, I've always loved you.  
Perhaps you're closer to the dark side than you think, Revan. The Council forbids a Jedi to love.  
I've been to the dark side. I've reveled in it, and from that I think I understand it better than the Council does. Rejecting those you love doesn't make you strong, Bastila. It makes you inhuman. You understand that.  
You...you're a fool, Revan!  
Come back to me, Bastila.  
You! You...I...I so hated having to talk to you as though you were a stranger. It broke my heart to raise my weapon against you on the flagship. Do you remember? Do you recall what I said before you left to go to war against the Mandalorians?  
"I can't stand with you. The path you're taking is dark, and wrong. But know that if danger is to befall you...I will come for you."  
I kept my promise.  
You saved me, Bastila. Let me save you.  
I don't even know what to call you now!  
Call me "Racra."

**Deep in the bowels of the Star Forge...**

I'm afraid my skills are wasted in this group.  
Sith Trooper: Please! Let me live!  
GANK!  
ACK!  
I mean, it's an honor to fight alongside Revan. A huge honor. We Mandalorians respect strength, and she's the strongest.  
GANK! GANK!  
Sith Manicurist: My knees! ACK!  
Sith Tax Accountant: Nooo! ACK!  
But I feel that she's lost that edge. She not the same woman who beat the clans into line.  
Sith Dog Groomer: I have a family, take them instead!  
GANK. Statement: Now do you understand the travails of my existence?  
ACK!  
An assassination droid, programmed to be loyal to a Jedi who will never use him properly? I can relate, HK. And I find myself obsessing over it quite a bit.  
It is our lot in life, I suppose. Shall we find something to kill to cheer ourselves up?  
Yeah...yeah, HK. I think I'd like that. Do you think they have any orphanages down here?

**Finally, atop the Star Forge's pinnacle...**

MALAK!  
Finally we meet again. I've been waiting.  
Sorry, I've been busy righteously slaughtering your ENTIRE ARMY.  
And it comes down to this. As it should have before. I'm almost glad you survived my assassination attempt. Turbolasers are far too impersonal. I want to see your face when you die, Revan...or is it Ulwhe?  
You know what Malak? You're a screwup. You've always been a screwup. You couldn't convert Bastila. You couldn't kill me, even with turbolasers. And for all the success you've had in dominating the Republic, you've managed to completely miss the point of this war in the first place.  
Which is...?  
...to be retcon'd into KotOR 2.  
No, Revan. I understand you now. You were never willing to use the full might of the Star Forge. You were as frightened by the Star Forge as the Jedi Council was of you, and your fear was a weakness. I have no such weakness. I don't regret trying to kill you before, Revan. I regret not trying earlier.  
Well here's your chance to try again...pussy.

**Outside...**

Do you feel that? Racra needs our help!  
Stay your hand, Juhani. This is something she has to do herself.

**Inside...**

How can you be so powerful?   
I'm gonna send you back to the Eat'n'Park I found you in, Malak.  
Perhaps...I've underestimated you, Revan. You fight with such passion and strength...more than any Jedi, more than at the height of your power as a Sith Lord...how is this possible?  
Both the Jedi and the Sith have it wrong. Passion's not a bad thing, and it's not the end-all and be-all. As with anything else, it has a golden mean.  
Know this. I'll never be a sell out like you, or a poser like Bastila apparently was. After I escape here—and I will escape, because you light siders can't bear to kill in cold blood—it will only be a matter of time before I return to Korriban and rebuild the Sith army. And from there I will set the Republic on fire.  
Unfortunately for you, Malak, the Republic is one thing I can get passionate about.  
GANK!  
ACK!  
Racra...? Are you hurt?  
I'll live, Bastila. I'll live.

**On the surface of the Unknown Planet...**

In celebration of your saving the galaxy and the entire Republic, we would like to award you our very highest commendation!  
I love medals!   
Humpf.  
Grrrrararrh!  
^_____^  
And to you, Racra...the Jedi have a new tale to tell, because of you. A tale of redemption, and of the prodigal knight.  
You're not just sucking up to me now to make sure I don't go back to the dark side, are you?  
Too terrified of your power to manipulate you, I am.  
What do we do now, Racra?  
I'm...not sure. My memories are hazy, but...there's something. Something more I need to do. Do you trust me?  
Completely.  
Then know that I need to go away for some time. But I'll be back, Bastila. I'll be back for you.

**Racra gathers the droids and boards the _Ebon Hawk_. Minutes later, the ship breaks orbit and leaps into hyperspace, headed for locations—and destinies—unknown.**


End file.
